Tuesday, October 5, 2010
The search for spiritual gifts continues and took the form of filling out tons of information about our personalities this week. It was fun, it was eye opening, and it made me realize that God is showing me epiphanies every day. I’m learning about me, about who I am, who I thought I was, who I might have been once but aren’t anymore, and these are fairly earth moving realizations. Being that my mind has a habit of jumping from one thing to another without the ability to linger for more than a few minutes, I thought I better start writing these down so I will remember them. I know, they’re epiphanies, I should remember them because of how they affect my life. However, I am beginning to wonder what would happen if I lost my to-do list or didn’t write everything down, and even thinking about that makes me scared. I need a record of everything. I will add these as I’m shown them.
I don’t enjoy being a leader and am not particularly good at it
This was an epiphany because as a first child, a teacher, trainer, someone pegged to go into management at my last job right before I said no way and quit, I have always been viewed as one. I’ve accepted the role because it sort of seemed like where things were naturally going, but I don’t like it. I will take charge if needed because I hate it when people show up for something without an agenda or plan; I tend to take over out of frustration more than desire. Plus, I’m bossy and opinionated. But when we were finding out our spiritual gifts, leadership did not come up and I was hugely relieved. I am a dominant lion, but I think that just goes back to being bossy more than a leader. When it comes to the saying “lead, follow, or get out of the way”, I’ll gladly get out of the way. I’m not really a good follower either, but I’d be great at living in Oregon in a cabin off of Cannon Beach growing my own veggies, homeschooling my kids, and generally being out of the way of everything.
Noise bugs me
This one also kind of shocked me. I love music and the sound of my daughter’s chatter. However, certain noises are too much for me now. I cannot listen to mainstream radio stations because the music is horrific and the noise makes me nuts, especially in the car. I don’t want anything on for background noise. It irritates me. We listen to music when we eat dinner, generally Queen, oldies, or Charlie Brown(we’re a little random at our house) and that’s fine, but I have to have quiet at some point in my day. In fact, if my phone rings often, which it doesn’t, I start to get a little cranky. It’s not that I don’t want to talk to people, but I need noise with a purpose. Telemarketers beware! I do not see those calls as purposeful, and when they happen after 9pm, I’ve gotten rather forceful about my opinion on that issue. Something as simple as the drum line from the high school visiting for a pep rally the other day almost pushed my nerves over the edge. I was the old fart leaving them gym muttering, “do drums have to be that loud? Is that really necessary?” Maybe this is a long term effect of being surrounded by 8th graders for five years, but I think it might be permanent.
I want to write for a living
Okay, this should not have come as an epiphany since I knew this at around the age of 10, but I guess I was re-epiphanized(my own word) with this knowledge. I love writing. I majored in English and only obtained my teaching certificate as a back-up plan so I could eat if the writing did not take off. For years, I semi-pursued this quest, having poetry published, submitting short stories, but it stayed on the back burner. Honestly, I stopped missing it when I wasn’t writing, so I just kind of moved on thinking that one day I might or might not get back to it. Now, the life events I choose to partake in pretty much have to fit into t he category of benefiting my family in some way or I just don’t enjoy doing them. I know admitting that will probably lead to speeches from well meaning individuals about “me time” and “time to be who you are away from your family”, but I get it and I’m not imposing some martyr-like prison on myself to only serve family and forgot me. I like to do things for and with my family and I really get restless, antsy, and irritated if I’m wasting time away from them or not doing something to benefit them emotionally, physically, financially, etc. But I think I see now that writing can. It came back one of my highest gifts-technically it was creative communication, but I’m not actually creative in other areas, so I’m going to assume it meant writing-and I want to use it for Christ and my family. So, slowly I am going to try to reintroduce myself to the writing world. I don’t know what form that’s going to come in yet, but it can benefit my family if I’m using a gift God gave me and they are witness to that. Plus, it makes me happy and maybe along the way will help my kids find their gifts. And let’s pray it becomes a financially lucrative pursuit at some point. I’m not too artsy to say that I would LOVE to get paid for my words.
There are more, but my mind is already moving to something else I need to do. Did I mention I’ve realized I have trouble sitting still?