Wren at Age 8

This weekend has been full of  birthday celebrations since the first December birthday is over and Wren is now 8. 

D and I fell into a conversation about what having an eight-year-old means, and it got kind of head trippy.  She's half-way to a driver's license and ten years from legal adulthood.  Yeah. 

As always, we told her about her birth story when her little breech butt was wedged into my body, and it took doctors longer to remove her than it did her twin sisters.  She thinks this is hilarious. I can laugh a little now that I have almost forgotten having to ask the question,"Um, this is a C-section, am I supposed to feel that?" and hearing "Do you feel pain or just weird pressure?  Because the weird pressure is fine.  She won't come out and we're ripping your incision open wider trying to encourage her to come down." Yeah, it's still not that funny, but I'm glad she gets a kick out of it every year. 

For her celebration, she had lunch at Twisted Root, hung out with some homeschool friends at Urban Air due to an impromptu playdate, and then partied with her family and friends on Saturday.  We also did her yearly interview, and this is what I found out: 

New Shopkins Watch Bling. 

What is your proudest accomplishment from this year?
W:  Finishing my AWANAS book

What new adventures are you excited about this year?
Christmas

What is your idea of a perfect day?
A birthday party

How do you grow closer to God?
Bible study

What do you want to be when you grow up?
A race car driver

What is your least favorite chore?  anything that interrupts playing

Favorites

Color: purple
Subject: math, specifically division
Dessert: trail mix from Unrefined Bakery
Thing you learned this year:  triple digit times double digit multiplication
Book: Babymouse
Thing to do:  Be with family and have fun
Place to go: Playdates
Movie you saw at the theater:  Trolls
Date activities:  Urban Air
Song:  "Real Gone" from the Cars Soundtrack

I have to say that this kid's heart is unique.  Sam's birthday is a whopping 12 days after hers(by Sam's choice mind you.  He was due Nov. 27 but stayed put until four days before Christmas.  Now that we know my cervix is defective, maybe it was my fault, but either way, I gestate as long as most elephants) and Sam was bummed because Wren would get a birthday present before him.  We explained a million times that she got to have a special day just like he would on his birthday, and his day would be here soon.  His response:  "I just don't even want to think about Wren's birthday because she is going to be extremely loud about being excited that day, and I'm not so excited because I want my birthday the same day as hers."  As this point, the twins side-eyed him like, Think twice, man. Claim your unique birthday.  We were born 15 seconds apart. 

Wren, as opposed to being upset, felt bad for Sam and asked for permission to give Sam his birthday present from her on her birthday so they both had something to open.  I originally said no, thinking that Sam learning to work his way through this would be the better lesson, but Wren got so upset that I let Sam open the present Wren bought him with her money.  I think I got suckered by them both.

Wren can't stand to see anyone sad, and we're working on her understanding that fixing the world isn't her job.  However, I think she is already making it a better place just by being here. 

November Book List

I cannot believe it is already December!  November was a pretty good month for reading, and I can't wait to finish the year out strong with a few books I've been longing to devour. 

Non-Fiction

The Road Back to You by Ian Morgan Cron and Suzanne Stabile: I knew absolutely nothing about the Enneagram types even two months ago.  I started hearing about this system that splits people into one of nine types based on their personality, and then I came across a new book that was out about the topic.  The Enneagram system is supposed to help people grow spiritually, and The Road Back to You is a great guide.

It's not always easy to find out where you fall in the Enneagram.  There are pros and cons for each type, but by knowing where you are it's easier to make changes.  It's also wonderful to realize where friends and family fall in this system, and it has helped me understand more about the people around me and how we interact.

I highly recommend this book to anyone, whether they are an Enneagram novice or an expert.  It was eye-opening.  For the record, I'm a two. 

I'm Judging You: The Do-Better Manual by Luvvie Ajayi: I just finished this one today, so it might technically be a December book, but I'm including it because you should go read it before the end of the year.  If you don't know Luvvie Ajayi from her popular blog, Awesomely Luvvie, you should.  She is hilarious and honest, sometimes to the point that it hurts. 

In her manual for how to do better, she covers everything from toddlers to racism, rape culture to adult promise rings.  Her writing is laugh-out-loud funny, but her messages are often spot on, and she can take concepts that seem so hard for people to understand, like systemic racism, and break it down so it's hard to deny the truth of what she is saying. 

Grab this one and get ready to laugh and nod along.  Luvvie is here, and she's judging us.

Memoir

When in French: Love in a Second Language by Lauren Collins: I desperately want to learn another language, and Collins memoir about learning French so she could communicate more intimately with her French husband made that desire even stronger.  Collins' writing is full of research that is interwoven with personal stories of her journey, and it all adds up to a very readable book that will make you think about language and how it influences our every day lives.  Though I think I'd be a horrible French person since they are apparently not supposed to get excited about everything and claim to love pie and Erin Condren planners(mine for 2017 came in today!), or other non-people items, Collins paints a beautiful picture of the language.

Sci-Fi/Fantasy/Alternate History

Judenstaat by Simone Zelitch: I can't recommend this book and I can't not recommend this book.  The premise drew me in, but I kept picking it up and putting it down because I couldn't get emotionally connected.  However, I did finish it and was glad I did.

In an alternate history, the Jewish people have a Jewish state in Germany as a form of reparations for the Holocaust.  The belief was that they shouldn't be forced to leave Germany, and many came back to this area, designated Judenstaat, to live. 

Judit, the widow of a Saxon conductor, is the central focus as she puts together documentaries, sees her dead husband appear as a ghost, and finds out that all is not what she thought about Judenstaat.  The book left me with a lot to think about, but the disconnection I felt from the writing made it hard to push to the end.

Fiction

The Boat Rocker by Ha Jin: Jin's protagonist, Feng, is a Chinese man who lives in America and writes journalism often attacking his homeland.  His ex-wife has written a book that capitalizes on the tragedy of 9/11 and is being hailed as a book to bring China and America together.  But who is hailing it, and how is it supposed to be such an amazing piece of work when the writer is known to be subpar?

That's what Feng seeks to find out, but in the process he stands to lose his livelihood.  This book deals with identity, prejudice, and what finding out the truth means.  It was well written and interesting throughout.

Submission by Michel Houellebecq:  Francois lives in France a few years in the future, and he has lost all zeal for life.  While he is living in his self-absorbed state of mid-life dissatisfaction, the world around him is changing as political parties collide and France's Islamic party comes to power.  Suddenly, new rules are in place, and to have a life that involves his former academic career, all Francois has to do is convert.

I've seen this book described as dark and funny, and it's both.  It's also thought provoking.




Not that this was some big, huge thing that I almost did cartwheels over, but the BookPage List of Top 50 Books for the year is out in this months magazine that you can grab at your local library.  I've already read six from the list just by coincidence(Collins' When in French was chosen), and I can't wait to get started on the rest.  Here's the list online in case you want it.  I'm also reading the latest Harry Potter, and I am sad that not all is well in Potter's world, but I'm also excited because it means good stories.  Is that wrong?

October Book List

I knocked out seven books this month, and I also flirted with a few others.  There are some seriously amazing authors in the world, and I already have November's reading planned!

Memoirs or Something Like It

Love Warrior by Glennon Doyle Melton:  Melton revealed right before Love Warrior's publication that she and her husband were divorcing, but that doesn't lessen the impact of some of the lessons she learned.  Starting when she was a child and leading to her marriage, where her entire life is changed when she discovers her husband's unfaithfulness, Melton holds nothing back and gives details that are heartbreaking.  She doesn't spare herself and is open about past mistakes.  Love Warrior is a fast read, and though you may not agree with all of Melton's conclusions, it's full of gems that make it worth the read.

Present Over Perfect by Shauna Niequist:  This is mandatory reading for every person on the planet.  Though I'm not living the jet setting life speaking at big events like Niequistm, I still connected to her message to slow down, stop being so to-do list oriented, and live in the present.  Don't spend every second trying to make things perfect; just be there.

Niequist's language is beautiful, and each chapter unfolds with wisdom.  I reread so many paragraphs, and I will probably purchase this one.  That says a lot about this book, because I am a minimalist library user through and through.

Textbook by Amy Krouse Rosenthal:  Quiet frankly, this book was delightful.  Rosenthal describes it as a kind of memoir, and the way she uses words and plays with language is unique and intriguing.  Set up as a textbook, there are quizzes and short answer, and using this unique format, Rosenthal explores being a parent, our connection to other people, and the reality of being middle-aged(which many of us are if we do the math).

Fiction

The Dollhouse by Fiona Davis:  After reading The Dollhouse, I am longing to reread the Bell Jar and poetry books I have of Sylvia Plath's.  The reason is because the story is partially set in the 1950s hotel that Plath lived in and fictionalized in The Bell Jar.  In this fictionalized account, a young, innocent girl comes to the big city to train to be a secretary, but she doesn't fit in with the models whose floor she accidentally ends up on.  She begins running with a maid from the hotel, and this leads her to adventure, secrets, and tragedy.  The book is well-written and deals with everything from jazz to heroin to women's limited choices just decades ago.  There's also a decades old mystery to be solved, and the modern day narrator sets out to do that so she can have a story of her own.  

Here I Am by Jonathan Safran Foer: An author has to be amazing to attempt something this epic, and Foer is.  This is the first book I've read by him, and I was not disappointed.  He looks at family, religion, and what it means to be a part of something bigger than yourself while also existing alone.
Jacob's marriage is struggling and his elderly grandfather is about to be moved to a Jewish nursing home.  When an earthquake in the Middle East occurs, personal and national problems come to the surface.  There's no way to explain this book.  You'll either be hooked like I was or not, but I can't imagine the skill it took Foer to produce something this all encompassing.

The Light Between Oceans by M.L Stedman:   I avoided reading this one for years because I didn't think I could handle it.  When a baby washes up in a boat on an island near Australia, Isabel wants to keep it and convinces her husband, Tom, it was fate.  They are the lone lighthouse keepers on this island in the 1920s, and she and Tom have suffered losses, so they raise the child as their own.  However, the baby has a mother back in Australia, and that truth changes everything.

I bawled at the end of this book and I bawled trying to describe it to D.  However, it's ultimately a book about love and hope and sacrifice.

Historical Fiction

Lady Cop Makes Trouble by Amy Stewart:  This is the sequel to Girl Waits with Gun, the series about Constance Kopp, one of the first female deputies in the U.S.  When she has to catch a criminal who escaped under her care, Kopp goes to any lenghts to get the job done.  The story is fast paced, and Constance's sisters, Fluerette and Norma are back, as well as other characters from the first book.

Books and Cookbooks I'm in the Process of Reading

Celebrations by Danielle Walker
Deliciously Ella by Ella Woodward
Messy Spirituality by Mike and Karla Yaconelli
Let Me Tell You by Shirley Jackson

Guess What? I'm Dilating!

Just kidding, I'm not.  This post was written last night when I thought I was dilating because that is what people with normal, compliant cervixes do when bullied by loads of Cytotec.  Not my cervix!  It's a fighter.  

This morning after a biopsy where the doctor had to do some extra maneuvering due to my undilated cervix (read: hurt me really bad because my cervix wants me to die), we confirmed what I suspected years ago:  my cervix does not dilate.  Like, really does not dilate.  Apparently it doesn't view that as part of its job function.  My cervix is kind of a jerk.  In all seriousness, the doctor actually thinks I may have some kind of issue that caused my cervix to stay closed through pregnancies and Cytotec.  

But, I decided to let you read the musings I had last night when I was in a lot of pain and thought my cervix was dilating.  The whole experience brought back a lot of weird feelings about my C-sections.   That's right, I had to sit through loads of emotional turmoil while in physical pain only to find out my body, once again, didn't do what it was supposed to.  Go home, cervix, nobody wants you.

Want to know what my cervix is doing in this picture?  Thinking, Man,
I'm glad they did this C-section cause I wasn't gonna budge!

From Last Night:

For real!  As I write this my cervix, the cervix that was not dilated when I was 43 WEEKS PREGNANT with Sam, the cervix that despite 10 weeks of contractions with the twins didn't budge, that cervix is dilating thanks to some Cytotec.

But I'm not pregnant.

I have an upcoming procedure where the test that needs to take place requires a dilated cervix.  When my doctor first told me this, I laughed.   "My cervix?"  I asked.  "You want it to open?"  He didn't laugh and then gave me a prescription for some drugs and told me the pain would be awful and see you later.

The pain really is pretty bad.

Here's the thing, though.  In my bed with a heating pad and some time on my hands, I've become reflective.  Having a dilating cervix AFTER I had all my kids by C-section really hurts emotionally.  It feels personal.  I didn't think anything about those surprise C-sections could still get me because I dealt with my big feelings of failure and loss after each one.  But apparently it can.  Sitting here having what feels like Braxton Hicks contractions is bringing back all of those feelings of excitement I had when I thought I'd be grunting out my little ones like planned.  Instead I got cold surgery rooms, my uterus on the outside of my body, and puking from anesthetic.

I also got some great babies, so it's good.

I'm pretty sure my decision to pick up and write an article on C-sections for BabyGaga also helped bring some of this to the surface.

Here's what I've decided:  some things we get over and never let go of all at the same time.  In the throes of homeschooling two kids while trying to keep the younger two from maiming each other or continuosly sticking their fingers in their butts (that is actually a thing around here), I don't think a lot about the C-sections anymore.  That doesn't mean I'm over them.  I'm at peace with what happened and the decisions that had to be made, but I think I'm always going to have some complicated feelings surrounding my body just straight up punking out on birthing.  I know, my body has done some other really awesome things and I love it and feed it Chipotle and Hail Mary tarts often.  But in this one area, things still feel personal.

Here's what I'm glad about:

I'm glad I was educated and fought for the births I wanted, even if it didn't turn out the way I planned.  I had more knowledge going in, and that benefitted me even though I had to have C-sections.

I'm glad I fought hard to VBAC with Sam.  I didn't get to, but despite people telling me it was impossible and I should just forget about it, I pushed through until 43 weeks because I needed to know I tried to give him a less medicinal birth.  I don't doubt that I did all I could, and that helps give me some peace.

I'm glad I have to explore these feelings anew every once in a while.  It isn't fun, but it's a good reminder of how wonderful lessons and people can come out of unplanned situations.

So, there's that.  If you haven't followed all my trying-to-evict-babies struggles, feel free to look through the blog.  There's everything from the advice I got about drinking semen for induction to standing upside down on my head in a pool the day Wren was due.

No one in the world can say I didn't try.

September Book List

It was a very good month for fiction!  In fact, I only read one memoir, and the rest of the month I was wrapped in one invented world after another.

Memoir

Russian Tattoo by Elena Gorokhova:  Gorokhova tells the story of how she moved from Russia to the U.S. in her twenties, leaving her mother and sister behind.  Her story explores the relationships between mothers and daughters and the unfamiliar sensation of being an immigrant, always living in two places at once.  She shares details about her life in Russia and tells what happened when her mother followed her to the states after her daughter was born.  It was a great read, and I may pick up what I guess would be considered the prequel (do memoirs have prequels?) A Mountain of Crumbs.

Fiction

How I Became a North Korean by Krys Lee:  The author introduces us to three characters, all who have at some point lived in North Korea (one only lived there in utero, I believe).  Their lives intersect and the true nature of living in North Korea, as well as the unsure fate of those who escape the country, is revealed in words that are both hard to read and hopeful.

All is Not Forgotten by Wendy Walker: This was a mind trip if there ever was one.  A teenager is raped during a party, but she is given a new medication to make her forget the details of what occurred.  While she knows she was raped, not being able to connect the event with any viable memories leaves her disoriented and causes more problems than it solves.

Enter the narrator, a doctor who is trying to help her recover her memories so she can properly heal. His unveiling of the events reveals to the reader a fuller story than could have ever been imagined and will make the reader question the motives of every person they trust.  

Truly Madly Guilty by Liane Moriarty:  I have loved Liane Moriarty's writing for a long time.  While What Alice Forgot will probably always be my favorite of hers, Truly Madly Guilty comes in a close second.  This story, told from many different perspectives, deals with marriage, parenting, friendship, and hoarding all at once.  Moriarty also does a beautiful job of showing us our prejudices, in this case how our expectations of mothers are so far beyond our expectations for fathers.

As usual, Moriarty has secrets up her sleeve until the final page, yet none of the storyline feels contrived.  In fact, that may be both the best and hardest part of reading her work:  it feels just like something that could happen to any of us.

The Nest by Cynthia D'Aprix Sweeney : I almost felt guilty for caring so deeply about the four siblings in this book.  Their upper class New York lives filled with problems of their own greedy making should repel readers from the first page.  But they don't.  Sweeney does such a good job of offering rich characters that The Nest was addictive all the way through.

When eldest brother Leo has a car accident, the money in the nest that is supposed to be split between him and his siblings is nearly drained to cover up his drug-fueled drive with a teenage girl.  Since most of the siblings have spent beyond their means waiting for the money they were sure they'd eventually have, this event affects the dynamic of the family and causes serious reevaluations to take place for most everyone involved.

The Nutshell by Ian McEwan:  McEwan introduces an unexpected narrator in his latest novel:  an unborn child.  We learn from the child that his mother is planning on killing his father after taking up with a new lover.  The child's perspective and insight is both entertaining and heartbreaking as we wait to see how he will survive with such incompetent adults at the wheel.  Will he survive?

McEwan's prose is always poetry in its own way, so prepare to be immersed in the language as well as the story.

What I Will Tell My Kids About Rape

Brock Turner will be released tomorrow after serving only three months in prison for raping a woman while she was unconscious.  Because of this, bloggers have been encouraged to write for the "You Can Rape Me Because I'm Drunk" Challenge.  It technically takes place tomorrow, but I am posting today because I'm not sure how technologically available I'll be tomorrow since we're spending the day away as a family.

I don't know where to start because the word rape brings up way too much for most of us to deal with.  But what I think about the most is how to talk to my kids about this when they're older.  How do you explain such depravity, such hateful behavior?  And how do you explain the Brock Turners of the world somehow managing to play the victim card after violating a woman so thoroughly?  I don't know, friends.  I really don't know.

Here's what I do know:  I'm going to talk to my kids about rape, and these are the four things I know for sure I will say.

Always Look Through Helper Eyes

If you can help someone who can't help themselves, do it.  Be the young man or woman who helps a friend out of a threatening situation.  Keep your eyes open for the evil doers waiting to harm women, and try to be the person who doesn't let it happen.  Feel empowered enough to make a difference, because you can.

Know When to Have a Conversation and When Not To

There were many people who, after finding out about Brock Turner and his dad's appalling letter to the judge, wanted to focus in on drinking.  Not Brock Turner's drinking, the drinking of the woman he raped.  Before they wanted to talk about the injustice of rape, about the craziness behind that letter, about this victim's rights, they wanted to talk about her drinking.

While there is a time and a place for every conversation, this was neither.  It was especially insulting to hear Turner and his father blame drinking for Brock's irresponsible behavior, and therefore make his excessive drinking the reason why he shouldn't be punished, when the victim was told  because she drank she deserved what she got.  Apparently Turner deserved nothing for either getting drunk or raping an unconscious woman.  And basically, he got nothing for it.

Such a sexist message is not helping the conversation we need to have about rape.

Rape is Everywhere

Date rape.  Gang rape.  Women raped while they were drinking or raped while they were sober.  Women raped by strangers and raped by someone they thought they loved.  We haven't given these women a safe place to come forward.  The question "What were you wearing?" should not be one a person has to answer when reporting a rape.  Threatening college girls with penalties for their behavior when they come forward to report a rape should be outlawed.  Asking a woman if she was "violently raped" should earn the questioner a class on the definition of rape.

It's happening to your mothers and sisters and daughters and friends, and most of them have been shamed into silence knowing the Brock Turners of the world will walk away unscathed while the victims live out their nightmare over and over again.

Don't Put Up With Bad Behavior

Strip clubs and porn, sexist jokes and catcalling are all pretty standard parts of our society.  They shouldn't be.  Women in pornography are often underage and drugged, having been trafficked so they could be exploited.  Men and women who stereotype women as being only one exaggerated personality trait-nag, killjoy, bitch-pave the way for women to be looked at as less than human.

We don't have to support any of this, not with our money or time, not with our attitude.  Rape is a symptom of a bigger problem, and that problem is women being viewed as property as opposed to  God-created souls with a purpose.  Kill this disease at the root.

I remember telling my dad that I was sure if he had sons the rules in our house for curfews and dating and parties would be different.  He answered honestly by saying, "They would."  As girls, we were taught from the beginning to be aware, to be alert, to understand the threat, and I resented it and still do.  But I don't resent my dad for teaching me to do all of those things, though it doesn't always ensure safety.  I resent the society that made him feel it was necessary.

My kids are growing up in that society, three girls and one sweet, sensitive guy.  Will the rules be different for them based on gender?  Will I have to tell my girls that part of their minds will always be distracted as they navigate life under constant unknown threats?  Will they be forced to make extra perfect decisions just to avoid being blamed if anything bad happens to them?  Dear Lord, I hope not. I hope at some point we all get fed up enough and men and women unite to stand as lookouts, to offer solace, to be the voice for those who have lost their own due to brutality.  I really hope.

August Book List

As August comes to a close, I'm in the middle of some wonderful books.  These are the ones I finished this month.

Fiction
Alice and Oliver by Charles Bock:  The writing of this story was beautiful though the tale was sad and the characters unsympathetic at times.  Alice and Oliver welcome their first child and find out months later that Alice has cancer.  Her fight to survive and Oliver's struggle to deal with all the technical aspects of handling disease tests their marriage.  The book is honest and heartbreaking and not at all like any book I've ever read about couples dealing with cancer.  It doesn't avoid the ugly, the unexpected, or the inevitable.

Siracusa by Delia Ephron:  This was a quick read that surprised me and left me thinking about the characters and story way after I turned the last page of the novel.  Told from the perspective of four different characters, Siracusa shows us marriages in turmoil set against a beautiful backdrop.  The characters feel real, and the twists and turns this novel takes lead to an ending that is unexpected but realistic.

Historical Fiction

Like a River From Its Course by Kelli Stuart: Forty pages into this one I had to walk away.  The writing is vivid, the story so real that I read it in small bits over a week.  Like a River From Its Course tells the story of citizens living in Ukraine when the Germans break their treaty with Russia and decide to attack.  As the stories overlap in places, a full, horrific picture comes into view.  The biggest surprise was the hope Stuart managed to offer despite the topic she covered.

Everyone Brave is Forgiven by Chris Cleave: Be prepared to neglect the laundry, sleep, and your children when you pick this one up.  Another WWII story, Everyone Brave is Forgiven is set mainly in London during the bombings between 1939 and 1941.  It's historical fiction, a bit of romance, and a walk through the past that reveals injustices at home that had nothing to do with war.  Despite the subject matter, Cleave manages to infuse the book with wit and snark using dialogue.  Cleave's writing is poetry made into prose form, and though your heart will be broken over and over again, you won't mind.

Nonfiction

Patient H.M. by Luke Dittrich:  If you've ever seen the movie Memento, then you are already somewhat familiar with Patient H.M.  The movie was based off the real Henry Molaison, an epileptic whose attempt to have his seizures stopped using brain surgery led to him having constant amnesia for the rest of his life.  The surgeon who performed Henry's surgery is Dittrich's grandfather, so this book is full of family secrets and details previously unknown.

Dittrich's skills as a journalist shine through as he juggles many different stories easily, tying everything together perfectly and saving some of the biggest punches for the end without making it feel contrived.  Exploring this particular history, especially since his family was involved, couldn't have been easy, but he manages to stay objective, though the reader may have a hard time doing that.  Also, lobotomies were sometimes performed with ice picks by people who did not have training as surgeons. That detail has been killing me, so I just had to put it out there so everyone else would have to deal with it as well.