Recovering

Sometimes you get what you think you need or want. I sincerely believe that’s how I ended up tripping over my toddler, eating tile and living the last 48 hours in excruciating pain.

Wednesday night Dennis and I were working on our relaxation techniques to prepare for the natural birthing experience we want to have. The hard part about practicing relaxing is that there is no way to know what will relax you when you’re in pain until you are actually in pain. Since I had to have a c-section with Wren, I never had a contraction and have no idea if I will want to be massaged, have my hair played with, or just be left alone. I offhandedly mentioned this fact to my husband when we were practicing the other night and said that the ice in a baggy that I held in my hand during our birthing classes just wasn’t uncomfortable enough to be a true indicator for me. My hand got wet, I wiped it on Dennis, and that was that. It wasn’t a contraction and was not near the intensity I’ll deal with in labor.

Mind you, I was not asking for some practice pain, only making a comment. I guess God wanted to prove He was listening though, because less than twelve hours later I was in the ER after my fall having contraction like pains in my back and abdomen. Then, I had them again yesterday and Dennis and I were able to practice our relaxation techniques for real. How great, right?

Fortunately, I am on the mend though the pain is not gone and I fear it may be more like weeks instead of days before it is. But more than recovering from a physical injury, I think I’m still trying to recover from a mindset problem as well. It’s the idea that my plan is best so God must see my infinite wisdom and be ready to get in line with whatever I think is good for me. I’ve been struggling with this for a while, and honestly, I don’t think I’m making much progress. I still make my plans and wait for them to happen instead of seeking God’s plan and going for that. It’s called ambition and we’re rewarded for it everyday in our society. I call people who don’t know what they want and don’t have a plan indecisive and sometimes lazy. Maybe it’s just called being patient.

I want a natural childbirth. Dennis wants it too. We had to have a c-section with Wren because she was breech, but we fought it down to the last minute. I don’t regret doing everything we could to turn her, and I don’t think God saw us doing that as a bad thing. It just wasn’t the way it was meant to be with her. Two days after her due date she ran out of fluid and the decision was made with finality for all of us. If we wanted a safe baby she had to come out and she was only coming out if we came in and got her. It was a beautiful birth and I will always remember it.

The chances of Sammy being breech are so minimal because there was nothing wrong with my uterus that forced Wren into a breech position. I think she just liked lying that way. But when we had our level 2 ultrasound on Friday, Sammy was breech. It’s too early to stress about, but it does not give me that warm I-just-know-this-is-going-to-end- in-natural-childbirth feeling. Add that to the fact that Sammy could be in the right position the whole pregnancy then run out of fluid like Wren and I’m still in for a c-section. Doctors will most likely not give Pitocin to a woman who is attempting a VBAC(vaginal birth after caesarean) because of the increased risk of uterine rupture. Trust me, I don’t want Pitocin, but if it’s inducing labor to get the baby out for his own safety or a c-section to get the baby out for his own safety, I would have chosen the induction so I could have at least had a trial of labor. Turns out, that option is off the table.

So again, we wait. I will pray for natural birth, for a non-breech position, for my fluid to hold out until Sammy decides to evacuate the uterus. Overall, I will pray for a safe, healthy baby, and however God sees fit to deliver him will be His call. I have vowed to stop the obsessive internet searches about chances of a breech baby twice, chances of running out of fluid twice, vbac success stories, etc. I have tried to stop flipping to the breech section of all three of the pregnancy books I’m reading(yes, I’ve been pregnant before, but I’m reading the books again so each child will feel they were treated equitably), and I will not constantly try to feel for a head under my rib cage so I can panic. God knows what I want. He knows what we all need. To keep from losing my mind, I’m going to have to know that’s enough.

Note: For those of you I haven’t already assaulted with reasons we want natural childbirth as opposed to another c-section, message me anytime. You’ll probably regret it because I’ll never shut up, but it’s an awesome prospect for people who may not have considered it.