Reading Ta-Nehisi Coates' book We Were Eight Years in Power reminded me of how you can't really move into a healthy place working through a broken system. Until we admit that racism caused the Civil War and that the fallout even after the north won led to more racism, we aren't being fair to blacks. We can't be surprised when Colin Kaepernick or anyone else kneels for the anthem. That flag has never meant freedom for blacks in the same way it has for whites. Let's acknowledge that and dismantle the system.
I feel the same way about the patriarchy that leaves in its wake wounded women who are then blamed for their own rapes and assaults. Coates' book reminded me that broken systems need to be destroyed and built again based on truth. What I have seen in the wake of all the sexual assault allegations coming to the surface is people telling women to fix the crimes they didn't commit.
Dress modestly.
Have less women in the workplace.
Never be alone with a man.
Here's a thought: men, stop hurting women. Take responsibility for this being your problem and don't lay it on women. So simple.
The issue is that treating women badly and getting away with it is so prevalent in our society that no one even sees it anymore. Making women responsible for other people's actions is habit.
I discussed with a friend that my oldest is getting to the point where we have to start talking about the older kid things, like wearing bras. I told her I was hesitating even bringing it up because I don't want any of my daughters to assume they have to follow a societal norm if it doesn't work for them, whether it's shaving their legs or wearing bras.
My friend agreed, but she said we wear the bras and watch the wardrobe closely in order to keep ourselves safe. She meant well with this statement, but I was way past that way of thinking.
Me: I can't say I think it's doing a lot of good. I would rather send my braless daughters into the world with pepper spray and brass knuckles with a come-at-me-mother*cker attitude than to let them run around thinking that if they had just dressed differently they would have been okay.
She wholeheartedly agreed that my approach could also work.
That's when I realized I wanted to set the patriarchy on fire, not try to put Band-Aids over a broken leg.
How can we make people understand that women aren't possessions? How we can we make women understand that no one has the right to do something to them if they don't consent, and that they don't have to say I'm sorry or feel ashamed when they are hurt? How can people in the church get on the right side of this issue since many of them are busy defending a pedophile after electing a president accused of sexual assault? I mean, Jesus didn't tell women to dress modestly. He warned men that if they lusted when looking at women, they might want to go pluck their own eyes out. It's a pretty clear message.
Burning the patriarchy down is not an anti-man message. Good men, like my husband, aren't scared of this idea at all. They welcome it with open arms. If those who believe they have rights to women's bodies that they don't are shaking in their boots at this idea, well, good. That's the point.
We need to make it unacceptable to hurt women and then blame women for it. We need to stop excusing sexism and misogyny in its many forms. The term locker room talk needs to die.
Here's another thing: just because women don't come forward immediately doesn't mean they weren't assaulted or raped. Women who are sexually assaulted often don't report it for years, if ever, for a variety of reasons. It's not because it didn't happen. Also, with the hell they take when they come forward and the backed up rape kits that are never even tested, they don't feel a big incentive to come forward.
Of the women I know and count as friends, I would say at least half of us have been assaulted or raped. None of us reported it.
Asking why a woman didn't report a crime against her body implies there was no crime or she would have said something sooner. Forget the evidence that shows these men have harmed multitudes of women and none of them felt they could say anything.
After a stressful month where I felt helpless a good portion of the time, my simple goal came into focus: stop accepting this society, the one that devalues women. Stop trying to fix small parts of it. Take it apart every day and put something better in its place.
I would like to say that this is starting to happen with all the women coming forward, but I'm not optimistic. These men will not lose anything near what these women have. They won't suffer criminal prosecutions, though they would if they had stolen someone's car. Most of them won't lose their jobs even if they attempted to rape teenagers. As Sady Dole wrote in her amazing book, Trainwreck, men can get away with a hell of a lot more than women.
This will be a long fight, but it's worth it. I want to push against what we've been taught and what we've seen when it comes to how women should be treated. I want to make sure my life reflects love and care for the women I know and those that I don't. I want all of us to banish the belief that women can't support each other and that women are hyperemotional messes. Where I see sexism in my own life or in anyone else's, I want to draw attention to it and make a change.
What this will look like throughout my life I don't know, but I know this will be a forever mission, a calling if you will. If you want to join, bring some matches. Some things need to burn.
Just getting started on your burn-down-the-patriarchy journey? Grab these books:
Trainwreck by Sady Doyle
Dietland by Sarai Walker
Young Jane Young by Gabrielle Zevin
Jesus Feminist by Sarah Bessey
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