No Secondary Emotions
I had a Meniere's episode in the middle of October. While I am used to feeling unsteady on occasion, I don't deal with episodes that slam me to the ground for hours as often anymore. I did on the 13th, and besides being extremely dizzy, I lost about 75 percent of my hearing for eight hours.
It was horrifying in the way these things always are. I know I'm vulnerable at all times because that's how Meniere's works, but being reminded of how helpless it makes me is jarring. However, I tried something different this time; I didn't allow secondary emotions to participate.
When I have an episode, I already feel physically awful, and then my mind can really get away from me. I'm stuck in bed, unable to even sit up, and I have a lot of time to think about where these episodes can lead. When I had one a couple of months ago that wasn't even as bad as this one, I spent hours ruminating about the possibility of not being able to help my children now or when they are older. What if they move away and I can't even get on a plane to visit? What if they need my help but I'm down for weeks at a time? I let this go pretty far last time and ended up even more miserable than I started.
In October I simply shut down these thoughts the minute they started. I acknowledged that I don't know what the future holds, but I have to deal with where I am right now. I rested. D took the kids to the movies. I didn't think about not being able to hear or when my hearing would fully return. I just let myself be.
It wasn't a fun day, but it was relaxing to just let my body do what it needed to do without worrying about what came next. By that night, I was walking around the block trying to regain some equilibrium, tired but proud.
Meditation and mindfulness get credit for my approach in October. Just catching those thoughts before they had a chance to own me and intentionally showing myself compassion made a big difference.
The Great Outdoors
We were outside a lot in October. The weather finally started to turn pleasant, and even during the weeks when it rained for days, we got outside if it wasn't lightning.
I read both The Nature Fix and There's No Such Thing as Bad Weather earlier this year, and they had a profound effect on the way I view my need for nature. I need it, my kids need it, and we will seek it every season, regardless of the weather.
Hygge the Home
We've lived in our house for ten years, and we've added a lot of children to it. As far as really designing and decorating, not so much. However, I've been working on that lately, and it's been both fun and satisfying. My style tends to be minimalist and functional, with comfort as a priority.
This month, I hung some white boards and scored an awesome table for free. A neighbor put it on the curb, and my dumb ass decided to surprise Dennis. I pulled over in the minivan, sure I could lift the thing on my own. I could not. I don't know why I thought I was such a bad ass, but after successfully maneuvering it into the middle of the road on my own, D and the kids had to walk down the block to help me. This conversation followed when Dennis saw me sprawled on top of a table, claiming it with my body and protecting it from oncoming traffic.
Me: "I can run a mile now, so I really thought I had this."
D: "Um, how does that mean you can lift a table that weighs more than you do?"
Me: "I'm strong? Wait, uh, I didn't think this through, did I?"
D: "Can you even lift your side?"
Me: "Sure? Maybe? Wow, I got way too confident running that mile."
D: "Nice table, though."
She really is a beauty, right?
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