December does whatever the hell it wants, thank you very much. It's such a complicated time of year for me and has been for years. Two of my children entered the world in December. One almost left it during December. This December has brought birthday parties and time with loved ones as well as the death of two friends I went to school with from kindergarten to graduation. They were 39.
I can't ever tell if December wants to hug me or punch me in the face. Anyone else?
The tree in our backyard apparently has no idea what to do in December either. After shedding most of its leaves and being named the naked tree, I woke up last week to new buds on the ends of the branches. I went into the backyard and yelled, "NO, NO, NO!" and then remembered I was talking to a tree. Besides, it didn't know better. In Texas the weather is so weird it's hard to tell, are we in a season of blooming or dying? Are we hibernating or clinging to that 60 degree day in hopes of new life?
I don't know. I may never know.
This month I persevered in what author Brooke McAlary calls the wobbly balance. I celebrated and I mourned. I enjoyed planning parties and indulging in cake while simultaneously wishing for my old woman routine to return and my pants to fit. I had spurts of creativity followed by days of wondering if I even wanted to be creative. I enjoyed looking at Christmas lights and eating cookies while also hating the fact that illness kept us from extended family this year. I lit Advent candles for two days before just totally giving up because I didn't feel like it anymore. Wobbly, just all super wobbly. I'm trying to be okay with it. December, for me, is always wobbly.
Regardless of if you are happy the holidays are over or are already entering the post-Christmas slump, know that the balance usually returns. Embrace what you can when things are off. Right now I am behind on book list blogs, procrastinating on work, and generally just trying to find a routine again. We'll get there.
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