My mind is everywhere, and I am reading Blue Like Jazz, the book of Romans, I am trying to absorb so much and plot my thoughts; it's great and heavy and freeing, and I think I understand how people can make a living of reading, writing, thinking. Not much laundry would get done, but it'd be a good life. Maybe not getting paid for it would stink, but still.
I have wanted to write, and I probably will still keep up with the blog at some level, but lately I've felt I just needed to absorb and listen and focus on something outside of my own voice. I tire of my own voice, my own self-centeredness. I tire of it easily lately.
What made me write today is that Sunday was hugely eventful, and I don't want to forget any of it. Wren entered into a relationship with Christ.
We were home Sunday after church when a song came on the radio talking about lifting up your life to God. Wren asked what it meant to lift your life up, and I said it meant to have a relationship with God, give Him your life, praise Him. This wasn't a new concept to her. She's been asking questions, thinking hard, dissecting and putting back together for months now. Her response on Sunday surprised me though. She started bawling and said, "I don't think I can do that."
Me: Why not?
Wren: Because of the sin. I have a lot of sin. I just keep sinning, and I know Jesus died for my sins, but I keeping killing Him.
If you will remember, miscommunication, or rather adults communicationing something and kids not understanding it, is not new in our house. Wren previously thought because Jesus died on the cross we were all just waiting to be crucified. She was surprisingly okay with it. We are still working that one out since every once in a while she'll still say, "Man, I want to see Jesus, but that cross thing, ugh" and D and I explain that she probably will not be crucified for real, so maybe don't keep telling her little brother that after the nails are hammered into your flesh, you get to see God. Poor Sammy, he was confused enough last week when he refused to go number two for four days. We thought he was constipated. Turns out when D was telling him to "stop holding it or he would get sick" Sammy thought he wasn't supposed to hold onto the toilet while he made number two. That scared him because he's not a fan of free falling into the toilet having done it a couple times, so he just quit pooping. Words have power, and I think explaining things you wouldn't imagine you'd ever have to is probably 99% of parenting.
Anyway, we explained to Wren how Jesus died for our sins once and for all, how Wren's relationship with Jesus wouldn't mean she never sinned again, but she'd have the Holy Spirit within her, she'd always be forgiven, she'd grow more like Christ because of the relationship they would have. We do die to our old selves when we enter a relationship with God and get a new heart that wants to be more like Him. She wanted that. Broken down to its simplest form, the true beauty is beyond appealing, and she understood. She came to the Lord like a little child.
Having kids is heavy. Being a disciple for Christ is huge. I spend so much time fearing I'll say or do something wrong, misrepresent the Lord. I'm sure I have many times. Having kids added to that fear, but Sunday was a change for me too because talking to Wren about God, about what she already knew and what she had questions about, made me see the true simplicity of it, how falling in love with Jesus makes you want to please Him, seek Him, how true love does that. It's the easiest message, the one about someone else paying the price for me so I could spend my life in a love relationship serving God and others. Love, pure love. I hope I never find a way to make it harder than that, and I hope Wren doesn't either.