Week 7: Asking for what I need
I am having a c-section with the twins. I know this is not earth shattering for most people; I get it. This will be my 3rd c-section. I am so hard core natural, un-medicated, straight-out-the-vagina birth that I cannot begin to explain how I have never had a natural, un-medicated, any-kid-near-coming-out-my-vagina birth.
I am not just giving up the risks of a vaginal delivery but taking on the risks of a c-section, a 3rd c-section. It’s not a small decision. After reading this article, I remembered other reasons why I have always been for the body doing what it needs to do unencumbered by medical practices as much as possible. It’s better for babies in most cases to start life by shooting through the tunnel containing the light at the end. It’s not a mistake that God made our bodies the way He did.
All that being said, I do sincerely understand having a c-section with my current situation and my past track record. My history includes:
• Over 40 weeks pregnant with a breech Wren when her fluid levels dropped to almost nothing and my body not even attempting labor=c-section
where I'm almost certain she was clinging
to my ribs.
• 43 weeks pregnant with Sammy when he stopped moving. He wasn’t breech, but he was not moving, I couldn’t have my water broken because I was dilated to nothing and couldn’t use Pitocin because of the former c-section (there is debate about using Pitocin if you have had a prior c-section. My OB doesn’t, and I agree, especially since I wasn’t even trying to progress or start labor and it would have upped my risks for uterine rupture. To each their own.)=2nd c-section
laying on my uterus and shoving. He was
apparently just awaiting eviction.
The reasons surrounding this situation are:
• I have never gone into labor;
• I have had two c-sections;
• I am carrying two kids sharing one placenta
The first two are not particularly the biggies, but two kids sharing one placenta is. However, in the world of VBACs, having never labored does not go in my favor. I would be the least likely candidate to successfully VBA2C for that reason alone regardless of how many babies I was carrying. Crazy, hostage-holding cervix!
• I could receive no aid from Pitocin if needed due to prior c-sections, which in the case of twins can be needed for the second baby.
People will read the previous information and come to different conclusions. You could justify going either way, honestly, and people have chosen both c-sections and vaginal deliveries and, to some extent, VBA2Cs with mono-di twins, though the documentation on VBA2Cs for women who have never labored having mono-di twins is not abundant (I found one example, and it was sketchy.).
So, how does this have anything to do with asking for what I need? Am I going to ask for a VBA2C because I feel that’s what the babies and I need? No. After all the research I have done, the doctors I’ve talked to (who I trust and who don’t make decisions based on fear) and the prayer I have put into this, no. I have told God to feel free to intervene at any time in a the-babies-came-so-fast-she-birthed-in-the-parking-lot-of-the-hospital-and-everyone-was-fine-and-we’re-all-going-to-be-on-the-news kind of way, but He’s really the one who gets to make that decision. It’s just an idea I had.
What I do need is questions answered whenever I ask. I need to be 100% prepared when I am being prepped for another c-section, surgeries that previously left me feeling like I had failed my children right out of the starting gate. I need to give myself permission to go into my OB and specialist’s office and say, “Now, lay it out for me again. Why are we choosing these risks over these?” I need to deal with the disappointment in myself I have never been able to shake and haven’t felt right about dealing with because it seemed ungrateful. It’s not ungrateful; what happened happened and I am grateful my kids got here the way they needed to; but I need to be able to take my unrealized ideals to God, be grateful for them and also ask Him to help me work this out.
I need to not have the massive, mind-numbing panic attack I did with Sammy’s c-section where I actually attempted to escape and birth him in the stairwell. I got caught by a nurse and an anesthesiologist who found me when I couldn’t bring myself to pull the IV tube out of my arm so was therefore just tethered to the bed by the fetal heart rate monitor and the previous mentioned IV cord. I was drugged, 43 weeks pregnant, and not in labor. I try not to blame myself for not thinking through the bigger problems with this plan because I was pretty stressed at the time. And D was asleep on the hospital couch bed with 103 degree fever or he might have stopped me, or assisted me. Hard to tell. Probably assisted me and served as my midwife/doula and also the first person to realize we couldn’t force Sammy through the birth canal when I wasn’t dilated just because I squatted in a stairwell and grunted a lot.
The only way I can see not going through that again is being able to constantly remind myself that though I am taking on risks for me and our girls with a c-section, I am also giving some up, and in my particular, random situation, I feel the c-section is the better choice for us, therefore I am doing what is best for my children based on the information I have and what I know about my situation personally. I have felt ashamed for constantly needing to ask for reassurance of this; I am the woman who just needs to be grateful my kids have a membrane separating them. However, if I am ever going to convince hospital staff not to put a cop at my door to make sure I don’t escape, I’m going to need to enter the hospital a little more Zen than I was before. The only way I know to do that is to ask for what I need, and that’s every random question I have between now and Asher and Eowyn’s birth answered to my satisfaction. I need people to not think I'm silly because this is a big deal for me, and because I am disappointed that it looks like I will not be able to give any of my kids a vaginal birth. Plus, I need to start practicing my belief that nothing is too big OR too small to be brought before the Lord. That starts now.