Friday, February 15, 2013

Tips for Survival from a Pregnant Woman

A gentleman I have never met came up to me the other day, looked at my stomach and said “Still procrastinating?”

Me: Excuse me?

Stranger Danger: Well, you sure are waiting a while to get that baby out when it’s ready to go.

Me, staring at this gentleman in disbelief: Sir, I am 18 weeks pregnant, and there are two babies in there. It’s not so much procrastination as just baking them the appropriate amount of time.

Stranger Danger: Uh, well, um.

I just let him sputter along until he shuffled away in shame.

End of conversation.

Lady I do know who I thought wouldn’t say these things because she is nice and has had children: So, you’re kind of big, I mean bigger than you’re supposed to be, right?

Me: I’m having twins.

Lady I am no longer fond of: I know. It’s just, when are you due?

Me: July.

Lady: Oh, well, um that’s not so bad I guess. I mean, it’s just that you are so thin, it must just seem like you’re showing a lot.

I just let her sputter looking for a way to save herself when, in truth, there really wasn't one.

Neither of these individuals was harmed because I am awesome and don't want to give birth in prison.  My doctors say I am measuring great, my children are growing at a perfect rate, and I have been instructed to eat 3500 calories A DAY and pack on 35 MORE pounds. Plus, I am hugely secure, which really means lazy, not vain, and not even close to being one of those people who has a how-to-get-my-pre-baby-body-back plan. Pre which baby? It’s all downhill after the first one arrives and then you breastfeed (side note: I have been pregnant or breastfeeding or both since 2008), so I’m just going to see what I get after these two are born and go with that. Seriously, I have children to care for. Cellulite will just have to collect in questionable places and grow because I don’t have time for it.

However, other people might have injured these two and gotten away with it because it was a crime of passion, and you really shouldn’t call someone who has pregnancy hormones coursing through their veins large. Ever. Really.

So, here are the basic survival rules should you encounter one of those strange anomalies called a pregnant woman. I want you to live, so read them all the way through.

1. Do not ever ask someone if they are pregnant. Assume they are fat and move on.

2. Should you find out they are pregnant because you were told by the pregnant person, never guess their due date. Say congratulations. Move on.

3. Never eye their stomach and say, “Wow you are much larger than you’re supposed to be, right?” Do I really need to explain why this is a problem?

4. If you see them daily and you know they are close to their due date, do not repeatedly ask why they are still pregnant. I can answer this one for you: because the baby has not come out.  Don’t be stupid.

5. If you are going to insult a pregnant woman because you still think it is a good idea, don’t get all crazy and overdo it like Mr. Stranger Danger.  Say one stupid thing.  He managed to call me a procrastinator, a.k.a. lazy, while also calling me large.  He honestly barely escaped.

Hope this is helpful. Live long, and don’t tick off people carrying the future of our planet in their wombs.

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