Monday, November 29, 2010

Waiting


Dread permeated the air. I felt it before I even entered the building. Returning from a break to resume business as usual at school is never easy, and the looks on the faces of my students made it clear that they were not going to jump right back in, ready to learn. In an effort to cheer up my first period, I reminded them that we only have three weeks left until winter break. After sharing this news and putting on my best smile, one of my more pessimistic boys dropped his head down on his desk so hard I thought he might have given himself a concussion. When I asked him why this was bad news he said, “Because I thought we only had two weeks.”

It seems we’re all waiting for something, and patience isn’t a game any of us are good at as far as I can tell. I know for a fact that I am not a picture of stillness and calm right now. On my waiting for list are the following:

Waiting for Sammy to arrive

Waiting to discontinue the daycare drop off while Wren is home with me after Sammy arrives

Waiting for Dennis to finish finals and graduate(keep your fingers crossed, Wednesday should be the last day)

Waiting for Wren to get to the point where she’ll just say Grapenuts instead of staring at the pantry crying the fake fit cries until I make her use her words(seriously, she never stops talking, but when she is in a particularly divalicious mood, which is not often, she expects me to respond to groans, cries, and huffing sounds. She’s not an 8th grader yet, so I’m not sure how she has reached these development milestones so early in life. She must be a genius!)

Waiting is inevitable, but here’s the problem: sometimes I find myself focusing more on what’s going to happen when the waiting is over than enjoying what’s happening now. Seeing this behavior in my 8th graders made it easier to see in myself. They have three days to create their own multimedia project using the computer labs and their imagination. On any other day, this would be what they considered an awesome assignment; today they came back to school just waiting to leave again, so they half heartedly began their projects. I viewed this as very ungrateful, which it is. So am I. I have a great husband, wonderful daughter, easy pregnancy, no real complaints, and all I could do was try to get through the morning routine to get to work. In my mind, I thought maybe I wouldn’t be going back to work, that Sammy would make a Thanksgiving break appearance. He didn’t, and quite frankly, it was na├»ve to expect him to. He’s not due until the 7th, and if he arrives before Christmas that’s fine with me. My children really dig the fashionably late statement. But I want to meet him. I want to go into labor(I’m not nuts, I really WANT this experience). I’ve been reading a book a friend lent me about natural childbirth experiences, and I’m even more anxious to have a shot at this now than I was before. I’m ready for Dennis to not have to give up hours of his day to homework. He already works so hard.

But focusing on all of that has left me missing the now. I love Sammy’s kicks and his little hiccups. I won’t feel them inside of me once he arrives. And really, I love being pregnant. I feel great and the fact that there is a little life inside of me is still awe inspiring.

With the grunting, sometimes tantrum phase, Wren has also started saying please and thank you often. She doesn’t call us mommy and daddy but says “my mommy” and “my daddy”, which is adorable any time of day. Her go to foods are apples, corn, and homemade protein bars. There is so much about this phase that is amazing, and the tantrums are a very small percentage of the overall day.

As for Dennis and college, well, I’m just ready for that to be over. I know I cannot be as ready as he is, or as Wren is for that matter. He doesn’t see her from Monday night until Thursday morning, and they NEED to see each other. They both have tantrum tendencies when too much time goes by without each other.

My goal for the week is to focus on the now, the great events happening at this moment without so much preoccupation with the future. When Sammy gets here, he gets here. I’m trying to convince myself he’s not due until Christmas so anything before that will be a pleasant surprise. When Wren gives me the sounds that express dissatisfaction instead of the words telling me what she’s actually dissatisfied about, I’ll just think about the “I love yous” and the way she kissed both cheeks, my forehead, and my nose before I got out of bed this morning. College we only have to contend with for three more days. We’ll get through it. Life is about now, and our now is good.

1 comment:

  1. I really needed to read that, Thanks! It totally put me back in "my now".

    ReplyDelete