Monday, December 20, 2010

Ways to go from totally relaxed to stressed to the max in less than four hours

Hear the nurse practically wail “the doctor said please let this woman have an induction date” after viewing your NST report

My first thought is that my child is in distress when really the apparent goal was to see if scaring a 42 week pregnant woman would break her water. It was not my doctor who viewed the NST, the results were fine, and I’ve just become the ultimate anomaly in a highly medicated world. So no, I cannot be induced, but all is well.

Consider castor oil
While talking to my chiro/acupuncture doctor, he tried to enlighten me on the benefits of castor oil to induce labor. It worked for his wife twice. I have read up a ton on castor oil, and the only for sure thing I can really glean is this: It’s not if you get diarrhea, it’s when and if you survive it with your butthole in tact. Now, if I knew for sure this would work, I would drink that junk straight from a shot glass and call it a day. However, there are no 100% guarantees with anything. The idea of ending up with horrible diarrhea and still no baby, or in labor having diarrhea on my baby, or with a c-section having diarrhea when I can’t even feel who I’m pooing on because of the spinal has kept me from committing to this procedure. However, just thinking about all this poo has stressed me out.

Telling your husband he was right about something that is so wrong

This is a Christian blog and I am going to assume that most Christians value and understand the importance of sex within a healthy marriage. With that being said, don’t read this if you are easily grossed out.

My husband came home last week after talking to the guys at work and informed me that sex was not the only way to induce labor; his guy friends at work clued him in on another highly effective way to get things moving: drink semen. I stared at him, told him research would be done and if he and his friends had devised this plan to trick a majorly overdue pregnant woman, then he might not be alive for the birth of our son. All of my research came back negative, and we laughed the whole thing off. Then on the phone with my natural birthing teacher a few days after that, she started a sentence in an eerily, familiar way: “you know prostaglandins in semen are absorbed through the gut ten times more than through the vagina, right?” Great! She knows this stuff, has the research to back it up, and now my husband gets to be right about something that no man should be able to hold over your head when you’re big, fat, whale size pregnant and on the verge of drinking almost anything(see castor oil above) to get the baby out. My choices for inducing labor: drink castor oil or semen. Further proof that the Lord of the universe has a much better sense of humor than I could have ever imagined.

Having the sonographer ask you to answer questions about pregnancy, induction, and VBACs

I love my sonographer. We have been through the trenches of low fluid levels for what seems like eternity, and I value her dearly. However, I think when you are in the medical profession and you see an overdue woman these should not be the first words out of your mouth: “Oh my gosh, I was sure you’d be pulled off my schedule by now. How are you still pregnant? What’s wrong? Did the doctors tell you why he won’t come out? Why isn’t he out?” My first thought was to tell her I wasn’t drinking enough semen, but I refrained. She’s nice, and though she has a couple kids of her own, she’s not someone I can see appreciating semen jokes. She might have cried, and as frustrated as I was, I didn’t think making her cry would make me feel better. So I told her everything was fine(uh, she’s been doing the ultrasounds so she should know this) and we don’t know why he won’t come out. When she asked again why I can’t be induced, I explained I was VBACing. Then, though she was induced and I would think would know this, I had to re-explain the risks of medical inductions to a woman VBACing or a woman who’s not since there are significant risks to both. I also had to explain the risks to the baby. By the time I left, I felt I should have been rewarded a doctorate because when you pass 42 weeks, everyone expects you to have all the answers, even if they went to school for this stuff. Why am I not getting paid for this? And why don’t people in the medical field know these facts? Scary stuff.

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