This morning after a biopsy where the doctor had to do some extra maneuvering due to my undilated cervix (read: hurt me really bad because my cervix wants me to die), we confirmed what I suspected years ago: my cervix does not dilate. Like, really does not dilate. Apparently it doesn't view that as part of its job function. My cervix is kind of a jerk. In all seriousness, the doctor actually thinks I may have some kind of issue that caused my cervix to stay closed through pregnancies and Cytotec.
But, I decided to let you read the musings I had last night when I was in a lot of pain and thought my cervix was dilating. The whole experience brought back a lot of weird feelings about my C-sections. That's right, I had to sit through loads of emotional turmoil while in physical pain only to find out my body, once again, didn't do what it was supposed to. Go home, cervix, nobody wants you.
|Want to know what my cervix is doing in this picture? Thinking, Man,|
I'm glad they did this C-section cause I wasn't gonna budge!
From Last Night:
For real! As I write this my cervix, the cervix that was not dilated when I was 43 WEEKS PREGNANT with Sam, the cervix that despite 10 weeks of contractions with the twins didn't budge, that cervix is dilating thanks to some Cytotec.
But I'm not pregnant.
I have an upcoming procedure where the test that needs to take place requires a dilated cervix. When my doctor first told me this, I laughed. "My cervix?" I asked. "You want it to open?" He didn't laugh and then gave me a prescription for some drugs and told me the pain would be awful and see you later.
The pain really is pretty bad.
Here's the thing, though. In my bed with a heating pad and some time on my hands, I've become reflective. Having a dilating cervix AFTER I had all my kids by C-section really hurts emotionally. It feels personal. I didn't think anything about those surprise C-sections could still get me because I dealt with my big feelings of failure and loss after each one. But apparently it can. Sitting here having what feels like Braxton Hicks contractions is bringing back all of those feelings of excitement I had when I thought I'd be grunting out my little ones like planned. Instead I got cold surgery rooms, my uterus on the outside of my body, and puking from anesthetic.
I also got some great babies, so it's good.
I'm pretty sure my decision to pick up and write an article on C-sections for BabyGaga also helped bring some of this to the surface.
Here's what I've decided: some things we get over and never let go of all at the same time. In the throes of homeschooling two kids while trying to keep the younger two from maiming each other or continuosly sticking their fingers in their butts (that is actually a thing around here), I don't think a lot about the C-sections anymore. That doesn't mean I'm over them. I'm at peace with what happened and the decisions that had to be made, but I think I'm always going to have some complicated feelings surrounding my body just straight up punking out on birthing. I know, my body has done some other really awesome things and I love it and feed it Chipotle and Hail Mary tarts often. But in this one area, things still feel personal.
Here's what I'm glad about:
I'm glad I was educated and fought for the births I wanted, even if it didn't turn out the way I planned. I had more knowledge going in, and that benefitted me even though I had to have C-sections.
I'm glad I fought hard to VBAC with Sam. I didn't get to, but despite people telling me it was impossible and I should just forget about it, I pushed through until 43 weeks because I needed to know I tried to give him a less medicinal birth. I don't doubt that I did all I could, and that helps give me some peace.
I'm glad I have to explore these feelings anew every once in a while. It isn't fun, but it's a good reminder of how wonderful lessons and people can come out of unplanned situations.
So, there's that. If you haven't followed all my trying-to-evict-babies struggles, feel free to look through the blog. There's everything from the advice I got about drinking semen for induction to standing upside down on my head in a pool the day Wren was due.
No one in the world can say I didn't try.